It surprises me sometimes how easily I can fly off the handle. Throw things across the room or scream at the top of my lungs. Don't worry, I'm not a lunatic. Or at least I hope I'm not. Most of the time I'm a happy, bubbly personality who loves to put a smile on your face, but I know there is a fear down there, deep in my heart of hearts that wonders if I'll have the stamina to keep going, to keep holding on to the truth and to finish strong.
What I realize, is that it's not necessarily the slight or the imperfection of my performance in work or friendships that are really the problem. The core of the situation is that I put it on my identity. If I fail to show up for work on time, I tell myself that my identity in time management is a failure= I'm not trustworthy or dependable so don't trust me with lots of responsibility. Likewise, when a friend or foe slights me, I tell myself that my identity as a friend or a person is a failure= I'm not reliable or fun to hang out with so don't spend time getting to know me, because there's really nothing there worth getting to know.
It's not the situation that causes trouble, it's that I let it affect my identity.
I always picture myself on a battlefield, struggling to keep control of my sword- my identity, but as each fight comes and I feel the strength leave my arms, I wonder when it will go flying from my hands to be lost in the jumble of bodies of fellow comrades that lay all around me. Maybe that's a bit dramatic, but sometimes, its how I feel... I'm left wondering what the keys are to stay the course.
Of course I know the answer. I know that each battle however big or small, it's not the end. My identity is not defined by how others view me or even how I view myself. It comes from some place much more secure and I have to trust to the law of truth, that no matter how tired my arm may become, that sword will never leave my hands. Sure it may feel slippery with sweat or blood at times, as the insults or failures come, but the truth is, it won't part with my hand.
This is no power I own, this law of truth comes from One who is higher. The One that truly saves me time and time again. The One who no matter how often I scream or yell or chuck a tantrum, He will never leave me or forsake me. He is the only one who can, for lack of a better phrase, define me. And I'm amazed at how He does.
He thinks I'm something special. Something lovely. Something to be adored and cherished. He values my opinion. He loves my creativity. He desires to know what makes me smile, what makes me angry, He even collects my tears because they are precious to Him. I don't get it, but that's how He sees me.
Isn't that amazing to think about? There's Someone out there, who will never ever stop giving up on you. He will keep loving you and pursuing your heart until your final breath on this earth. He won't rest until He's done everything to keep you, to raise you up as the amazing man or woman you were born to be. Trust me, I've seen glimpses of the men and women who have relaxed in their identity and trusted Him with their lives and they shine brighter than the stars. C.S. Lewis put it perfectly in The Weight of Glory when he talks about there being "no ordinary people". Check it out, but this is fodder for another blog, another day, I don't want to get too off topic.
No matter how crappy life feels at times, even when you want to scream and curse and make a fool of yourself to get your own way, He won't give up. That's the truth of it. I just need to recognize it a bit more and rest in knowing that even though I may not have what it takes to keep going, He does and if I keep turning to Him in my need, He will be faithful to answer. He does indeed have me.