Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Rock, Hardplace > Me

What happens when our dreams become a prison?

This has been my question as of late. I've fought, struggled & battled to see vision & dream become reality & time & time again it falls flat at my feet, crumpled & broken.

Do I have what it takes?

Am I missing God's plan?

Am I fighting for something I want & not something He's called me to? Am I meant to keep fighting for this dream? And if so, do I have the strength do keep fighting?

It takes effort, but I manage to find a quiet place to just let loose to God, pouring out my long awaited tears at the foot of the throne. I yell & scream, I question my life & let God see the dirty side of my heart where doubt & fear still dwell strong & hot. I tell Him of my love/hate relationship with my dreams, with my life. I pour out everything & anything & the more I share the more dramatic it all sounds & I know that only God can fully take me at my most dramatic. No one else would touch me with a ten foot pole if they really saw the dramatic monster I become, but God is willing.

He listens.

I am still amazed at His unfailing love & patience for His children. Even when I am questioning His faithfulness He still sweeps in, speaking softly to me & wooing me with sweet nothings...

This doesn't mean that if you are experiencing difficult times God will just make it go away. He doesn't work that way. At least He never has in my experience. No, He leaves me with Rock & Hard Place, the only difference is I am not alone. He never leaves me. He is a strong warrior dancing over me.

Can you picture it? A strong warrior dancing for a weeping, weak girl. Doing what He can to cheer her weary soul, even when she throws her fists at him & pushes Him away with unfair accusations. It doesn't stop His dance even though her sharp words sting his heart. He continues to pursue, speaking softly. Wooing.

What amazing love.

I may not have the answers to my questions, I may still wonder if my dream is still a dream or a prison, but when someone loves you this much... doesn't it make you want to follow, to love in return? To keep pushing, to keep fighting, to obey? Rock & Hard Place may come & go, but knowing He will never leave me is so very comforting. And for now, it stills those doubts, worries & pain. Not taking them away, but giving me room to stretch & grow. To continue to learn from these hardy fellows.

And if I'm really honest with myself, even though Rock & Hard Place are painful, I welcome their company because it pushes my selfish pride away & reminds me to lean on my Strong Warrior. It reminds me of what all I have to be so very thankful for & hold on to the truths that He is a faithful, loving, wonderful God & Father. And oh! What a Warrior.


Thursday, July 31, 2014

Ice Caves & Wisdom Teeth

Fear worms around our hearts and squeezes until we can't breathe. We avoid it by hiding away in a self made cage,  thinking we're safe from all uncertainties. Only problem, it keeps us from the good too...

I sit at my parents' dinning room table and look out at the enchanting forest of their backyard, a gentle mist hangs on the mountains in the distance. It's haunting and beautiful. Mostly it's terrifying. Those mountains I love so much hold a hidden treasure. Ice caves. Blue, rock hard and enchanting, but the trail there is dangerous and in places death defying, not to mention there's a looming threat right now of flooding and at any moment without warning the glacier could calve and come bone crashing down upon any would be adventurers. 

I've only seen pictures of the ice caves, but my spirit is drawn to explore them. The reality of actually traveling the seven to eight hour hike, climbing rocks and sliding across ice while avoiding confrontations with bears or wolves is enough to make me cancel any plans to try. I had plans to go with my brother, sister-in-law and eleven year old niece but after doing a bit of research I made a phone call and quickly backed out.

Fear crippled my heart.

I'm not saying there isn't a healthy fear, in all honesty, I am probably not fit enough to try the hike yet, but as I sat gloomily licking the wounds where fear had held tightest I began to see other areas where fear still held deathly tight.


Two years ago I was urged to get my wisdom teeth removed within the year, I ignored the suggestion and pretended my teeth were fine. I didn't fancy the idea of having my gum and jaw bone cut open.

When the pain in my jaws continued to grow I finally took the plunge and before long found myself sitting in a dentist chair, a paper bib clipped to my shirt and little wires and pads stuck to my chest and side. I was alone, I presume the nurse and doctor were prepping for surgery. I took deep breaths to still my beating heart. My first surgery. All the "What ifs..." racing through my mind. Then I looked out the window, little drift wood birds swung from the tree abutting the building. The peaceful scene quite the opposite of my own feelings.

Seeing those birds something in me began to still and quiet... Those who put their hope in The Lord will renew their strength. Yes, The Lord, He would still my fear. I prayed. The doctor came in and the room began to bustle with activity but I kept my focus on the drift wood birds. My vision began to fade, I made a few jokes as peace seeped through me and fell asleep to the joyful laughter and banter of the doctor and nurses. 

Fear didn't win because Perfect Love cast it out. 

The ice caves still beacon to me, an adventure I will someday undertake and conquer, but for now I will let myself soak in the wonderful presence of Perfect Love, allowing Him to work in my heart and pull the thorns of fear.

The only thing I need to remember, Perfect Love is a gentleman and He won't come until I ask.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

I am Verity's Man

Over the Easter weekend I found myself volunteering for a large music festival. I slept in a tent, had no access to a mirror or soap & spent four sleepless nights, wrapped from head to toe in almost every piece of clothing I brought with me. My travel mug full of hot water became my impromptu heater, but still I tossed and turned on the cold, hard ground, only to wake from the few hours of sleep sore & so very tired, but I was a leader so I needed to be on top of my game. Look sharp, awake, joyful and not bicker about my circumstances. My hours were different from all my friends, so most of the time I was left alone and all I really wanted to do was sleep or cry. Then I watched Mel Gibson's The Passion. I've seen this film so many times, but with the unique experience of my own suffering, I saw with new eyes the pain Jesus experienced.

My appetite for the milk chocolatey goodness of Easter eggs suddenly lacked enthusiasm. 

I can only imagine the fullness of his experience and pain. Friends betrayed him with a kiss, he was wrongly accused, beaten, mocked and cursed. He called his friends to pray with him, but they couldn't even stay awake for an hour, he begged his father to remove the call on his life, but always came back to choosing his father's will and not his own, knowing it led to a cross. No wonder he was sweating blood. (Luke 22:44)

Can you imagine such crazy love?

He didn't let his pain or hurt lead him away from the road to the cross. Instead he fixed his eyes on Papa God and kept taking one step at a time toward the road to death.

Here comes the uncomfortable bit. We've been called to die too. Not a literal death, but a death to our self or flesh. That selfish place within each of us that demands we have our way. I for one fight my flesh on a daily basis and I don't always win... in choosing death however, we are called to a richer living. A living to God.
"Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. We know that Christ, being raised from the dead, will never die again; death no longer has dominion over him. For the death he died he died to sin, once for all, but the life he lives he lives to God. So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus."                                                                              Romans 6:8-11 (emphasis mine)
But the life he lives he lives to God...

A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to teach on the subject of worship. I was so excited to really dig into the word and discover new hidden treasures of what it means to worship Him but not all of what I discovered was very comfortable and friendly like so many of the worship songs now a days make it sound. In fact one of the most often used words for worship comes from a meaning to give homage like a dog licking his masters hand. This imagery forced me to reevaluate what I think of when it comes to worship and living for God.

Homage. I like this word. 

There's something deep and hidden behind this simple word. To give homage is to belong to someone. In the olden days it was what happened to a man who lived on the king's land. In exchange of the land they were to live as the king's vassal, to be his man and give him homage, to go to war if called on or to stand with the king. It was a public declaration of belonging. When people came across these men, they would call them a "King's man" or the "King's vassal".

I came across an example of this in an unlikely novel I read recently, it digs deep into what it means to be the king's vassal or man. In this book, by Robin Hobb, a young boy who's the illegitimate son of king-in-waiting Chivalry, is given a promise by king Shrewd (his grandfather) that if he accepts his place as a king's man the king will make sure he has what he needs and will train him in swordplay, court manners, etc. The boy agrees to this promise and suddenly his life is no longer his own. 

It's the same with us. As soon as we choose Christ our lives our not our own anymore. When we choose to live our lives to Him we can no longer live our lives to our selves. Another example. When the boy in this novel is challenged to do a hard task for his king and everything within him is saying "no" he has to come to terms with the promise he agreed to, his life is to do the kings will. Anything less is treason. Even uttering a whispered complaint or challenge about the king's order is too close to treason for comfort. Likewise we no longer live for our will but for His. Anything less should be considered treasonous to our Papa King. Not because of some legalistic ideal, but because of our crazy love to honor and respect the King of kings.

Going back to the novel, this boy who has no name becomes known for his loyalty to king-in-waiting Verity, his uncle. He continually sets his self aside for the greater good of the kingdom, he submits his will to the king and because of this people call him "Verity's man".

I want to be Verity's man.  To be God's man.


It's not an easy road though. My self still shouts to be heard and demands rights it has no right to demand. I don't have any rights any more. I gave all that away as soon as I chose Jesus, because choosing Jesus means dying to my self and sin and living to God. Living a life of obedience, not because I have to but because I want to return some of that crazy love Jesus has for me.

I looked up what it means to "live to God." It comes from the Greek word záō which means* to live, breathe, be among the living, not lifeless, not dead. To enjoy real life, to have true life worthy of the name. It's something active, blessed, endless in the kingdom of God. To live in the manner of the living and acting of mortals and character. It's a living water, having vital power in itself and exerting the same upon the soul. The metaphor is to be in full vigor, to be fresh, strong, efficient. As an adjective it is active, powerful and efficacious.

All that in one little word. Live.

One of my favorite lines in Lord of the Rings is when Samwise Gamgee is holding the One Ring and looking out at the vast wasteland of Mordor. The ring is tempting him with this barren landscape, and he knows that all he has to do is put the ring on and he can transform the dead earth to a living garden, the best the whole of Middle Earth will ever see. Sam is a gardener. The temptation is great. But then Tolkien writes, "But it was the love of his master that stayed his hand." It was Frodo's crazy love and Sam's desire to return that crazy love that kept him from temptation.

Oh that we would all be a little more like Sam and stay our hands from evil because of that crazy love Jesus has for us.

Life is full of difficulties and detours, but if we can keep our eyes fixed like Jesus and keep walking the road He has for us we can experience the crazy love in fullness and know what it is to really live to God.

So here's where I start. This is my public declaration, I am God's man. I am His vassal. I may not always like the things He calls me to, I know my flesh will fight because of the uncomfortable places I go because of obedience to Him, I will be ridiculed, mocked, wrongly accused and more, but how can I not return His crazy love for me, by choosing death to sin and self, for the living he has in store for those who choose it? What about you? Are you ready for this kind of adventure?


*meaning of záō can be found in Strong's #2198, http://www.studylight.org/lexicons/greek/gwview.cgi?n=2198