To Die or Not to Die

Aww yes, the art of letting go... tricky business really.

This is something I ponder quite a lot. I look back at my life and the things I would change if I could or I look to the future, wondering what it holds, My heart stirs and grows heavy with wishes. I wish I was married, I wish I was still friends with So and So. I wish I wish I wish... the joy of our choices and their consequences!

Lately I've been having a lot of dreams about people from my past. I've lost contact with them and I can't seem to figure out why they are reappearing in my life through my dreams. One thing I find myself doing after the dream is searching for them online- in facebook, etc. Another thing I tend to do a lot is pray for them and wonder where life has taken them. Praying that God blesses their lives. I think one day when we all leave this world behind it will be interesting to see how my prayers affected their lives. It's the treasure I store in my heart and in Heaven.

The hard part is all the feelings of loss along the way. Sure I know in my head that there is treasure being stored for me in Heaven. Jewels in my crown, but it's a hard thing to wait and to make the sacrifices now, wondering if my sacrifices really do make a difference in eternity. What if I never get married? What if I never have children? What if I missed out on a bigger story for my life?

As I ponder these questions and many more like them I have to remember, I am not my own anymore. I was bought at the highest price. I belong to another. I am His. Then I remember that He makes beautiful things out of the dust- us. So if He's got the creativity to do that, then you know He's got a great big story for our lives and the funny thing is- I know I'm living it and that I am just making myself miserable because I'm an artist and that's what I do. Aw the tortured artist. Huh. Makes me wonder if God is ever tortured as an artist...?

I open my eyes to the life I've been given, the life I'm living and have to stand back and awe at the adventure I live. I have a great life, but it comes with letting go, of making sacrifices. Daily I have to choose to let go of the desires of my heart- of sharing my life with a mate, of seeing what my children would look like and many more.

No matter how good life can be, it will always involve sacrifices and I have to ask if we make the right sacrifices? Think about it, what do you sacrifice in your life? Do you make sacrifices of your family and relationships, does work reign in your life? Who does reign, who really is making the greater sacrifice? See there are only two choices, either the people around us feel the weight of those sacrifices or we do.

My life is not my own, I was bought at a price. I was rescued from eternal damnation by One who loves me more than His own life. So do I choose to let my family and friends suffer in my sacrifices or do I choose to deny myself, pick up my cross and follow in His steps?

Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple 

must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and 

follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose 

it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it. 

Luke 9:23-24

Someone once described this verse to me using a flower to symbolize our life. They said that if we choose to live for ourselves we'd flower and die, but if we choose to deny ourselves, we would become a sweet fragrance to the Lord.

I don't know about you, but I want to be a sweet fragrance, no matter what the sacrifice.