The Death of a Dream

"...so the apparent death of a dream will move our heart through the stages of mourning... I know.. I have seen dreams vanquished... one day of tears for a dream so closely held will not complete the healing."
-My mother to me back in 2007

How right were her words. For this day, five years later, I still cry for the dream so closely held. It is as fresh now as it was then. It looked different, different things caused it, but it was for the same dream. Back in 2007 I had to lay that dream down before the throne of God and tell Him that it was in His hands. I am saying that again now in 2012, it is in His hands. Only this time I had been so much closer to that dream becoming a reality, only to have to let it go again.

I would be lying if I didn't say that it stings. I've carried this dream in my heart for six years and have yet to see it become something tangible. Not many people would keep holding on after so many years and here I go again, to wait another year. Here's the thing though, I realize the closer I get to seeing my dream live, even though I watched it die again today, I have a hope that it will resurrect. This is not the end. This is rather, just the beginning.

We live in a time when everyone wants what they want, NOW, not later. My life is contrary to this. Even though I want what I want, NOW. I know that all good things come to those who wait.

When times seem desperate and I'm searching for a kind word, I often jump on the web and go to biblegateway.com to see what their verse of the day is. Today's hit me like a wall of compassion because it made me realize that God didn't think this was the end of my dream either.

"The Lord is not slow in keeping His promise, as some understand slowness. Instead He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." 2 Peter 3:9 

Ok I know I may be taking this verse out of context, but I know He still used it to speak to me and I had to share it with you. Maybe you are in a similar place, watching a dream dying... Or maybe you are still trying to figure out what your God-given dreams are. Or maybe your dream seems to be slow at coming to pass. Well, maybe it's because God has a bigger plan for it and it can only get bigger if it dies now.

It reminds me of seeds. I heard once that a seed must die before it can blossom into something wonderfully creative. Our dreams can be like that, they must die to grow...

I want to finish with a story from a fabulous book called the Sacred Romance by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge (if you haven't read it, you SERIOUSLY should get it and read it, it's AMAZING). Anyway, they talk about a friend of theirs asking this question about God "How can you love such a wild Lover?" Their answer to her was this, "When you know His good heart for you." 



That story always reminds me of Noah. He waited years for his dream too. It was something like a HUNDRED YEARS for his dream to become a reality. Can you imagine waiting that long?! He was laughed at, mocked, belittled, I even imagine some people considered him the crazy old man with that weird thing he called a boat. His family probably became the butt of many jokes as well. Yet no matter what happened, no matter who persecuted him, he trusted in God's good heart for him. If he had succumbed to the constant pressure or hadn't trusted in God's goodness, we wouldn't be here today. Makes me reassess my situation.

It's true. Though it feels and looks like God has abandoned me, the truth is, He's right here, that really His heart for me is good and that through this current pain and difficulty, He is just creating something Bigger. To steal from my facebook status today "I choose to trust in Him no matter what the circumstances. He stays the same today, yesterday and tomorrow and the truth is, that He loves us and has a plan for our lives- to prosper us, to give us hope and a future bigger than our present circumstances."

To Die or Not to Die

Aww yes, the art of letting go... tricky business really.

This is something I ponder quite a lot. I look back at my life and the things I would change if I could or I look to the future, wondering what it holds, My heart stirs and grows heavy with wishes. I wish I was married, I wish I was still friends with So and So. I wish I wish I wish... the joy of our choices and their consequences!

Lately I've been having a lot of dreams about people from my past. I've lost contact with them and I can't seem to figure out why they are reappearing in my life through my dreams. One thing I find myself doing after the dream is searching for them online- in facebook, etc. Another thing I tend to do a lot is pray for them and wonder where life has taken them. Praying that God blesses their lives. I think one day when we all leave this world behind it will be interesting to see how my prayers affected their lives. It's the treasure I store in my heart and in Heaven.

The hard part is all the feelings of loss along the way. Sure I know in my head that there is treasure being stored for me in Heaven. Jewels in my crown, but it's a hard thing to wait and to make the sacrifices now, wondering if my sacrifices really do make a difference in eternity. What if I never get married? What if I never have children? What if I missed out on a bigger story for my life?

As I ponder these questions and many more like them I have to remember, I am not my own anymore. I was bought at the highest price. I belong to another. I am His. Then I remember that He makes beautiful things out of the dust- us. So if He's got the creativity to do that, then you know He's got a great big story for our lives and the funny thing is- I know I'm living it and that I am just making myself miserable because I'm an artist and that's what I do. Aw the tortured artist. Huh. Makes me wonder if God is ever tortured as an artist...?

I open my eyes to the life I've been given, the life I'm living and have to stand back and awe at the adventure I live. I have a great life, but it comes with letting go, of making sacrifices. Daily I have to choose to let go of the desires of my heart- of sharing my life with a mate, of seeing what my children would look like and many more.

No matter how good life can be, it will always involve sacrifices and I have to ask if we make the right sacrifices? Think about it, what do you sacrifice in your life? Do you make sacrifices of your family and relationships, does work reign in your life? Who does reign, who really is making the greater sacrifice? See there are only two choices, either the people around us feel the weight of those sacrifices or we do.

My life is not my own, I was bought at a price. I was rescued from eternal damnation by One who loves me more than His own life. So do I choose to let my family and friends suffer in my sacrifices or do I choose to deny myself, pick up my cross and follow in His steps?

Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple 

must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and 

follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose 

it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it. 

Luke 9:23-24

Someone once described this verse to me using a flower to symbolize our life. They said that if we choose to live for ourselves we'd flower and die, but if we choose to deny ourselves, we would become a sweet fragrance to the Lord.

I don't know about you, but I want to be a sweet fragrance, no matter what the sacrifice.

It's a hard knock life

One of my friends on facebook posted one of those pictures with a saying on it. Normally I find them all fairly cheesy, but this one kinda floored me. It was a picture of a piece of coal and a beautiful diamond. The writing said something to the equivalent of "A diamond is just a rock that handled stress really well."

Lately I've been thinking a lot about painful and stressful experiences. How they shape us and why they are necessary or trying to figure out if they really are. Pain. Hurt. Suffering. None of these are things you want to experience, but it's only when we go through situations that are painful that we really get the light. At least it's that way for me. I don't get the value of things until I learn how hard it was to make it possible. For example, you work. At the end of a two week period you get paid a certain amount. Then you go to the store to spend the money, but you think a bit harder when buying things because you want whatever you buy to be worth the long hours at work. Get it? It's the same with pain and suffering.

And lately, I'm discovering there will be more pain and suffering the more you devote yourself to that something or someone. That's the problem with being vulnerable.

I performed a monologue once that was about someone who'd become very jaded towards this problem of life. It was from Seascape with Sharks and Dancer by Don Nigro...

When you were little did your parents always keep giving you 

these animals and things, like they thought you looked like 

you had to have something to be grabbing onto all the 

time or you'd fall over or blow away or something?....not just like 

cats and dogs but also a pregnant raccoon and two ducks 

named Mickey and a deflowered skunk and a chicken named 

Arnold and all kinds of things like that. They were really dumb. 

Not the animals, my parents. Well, you know how dumb they 

are. And the house we lived in was too close to the road, and 

what happens when you live to close is that all of your animals 

get splattered always on the road, and your brothers are 

always having to go out with a shovel and scrape them off 

and take them someplace to bury. And sometimes if they're 

all squashed but not quite dead you brother has to hit them 

with the shovel until they stop screaming or quacking or 

squawking or whining or meowing as the case may be. And 

giving them names makes it worse but I loved to and I couldn't 

help it and I did and when they got squashed then it wasn't just 

the cat or the duck it was somebody with a name that you'd 

lived with and slept with and talked at and listened to and fussed 

over and took care of and accepted you and then it was the mess 

that was left on the road. And after the last one was squashed 

which was a small bowlegged Persian kitten named Clarence aged 

six months who was sort of dumb and loved me a lot and never 

wanted any more than to just be alive and play with some piece of 

string or something, after that last one I made my stupid parents 

promise me they would never get me another thing that was 

alive because I had figured out what was true and still is true 

that there is no excuse and no way ever to make up for the 

millions and millions and millions of innocent betrayed and squashed 

up dead, and nobody's parents and nobody's God was ever going 

to be able to explain that to me and make it all right, and the only 

way not to go crazy if you had the misfortune to be a compulsive 

namer and lover was if you never hooked yourself up with 

splatterable things then it can never be your fault for needing them 

and having them because if you don't give you can't hurt and you 

don't get guilty because you can't betray if you never gave to 

begin with. Doesn't that make sense to you? It does make sense. It does.

At the time I understood the monologue and did my best portraying how the character felt, but I feel like I could give such a stronger portrayal now, because I am struggling between becoming like this girl or continuing to stay vulnerable to whatever life may bring.

We all have to deal with this from time to time. More times than not I'm shouting for Team Vulnerable to win, but lately, I'm wondering if becoming hardened to the world wouldn't be easier...

Yes as enticing as not feeling the pain and never attaching myself to "splatterable things" sounds. I would not only be ridding myself of the painful experiences, but it would also make the joyful ones mediocre and flat compared to how they really feel when I am living fully alive. This is what stops me time and time again from becoming jaded. 

And again I have to turn back to the law of truth, that pure joy is worth the pain it sometimes takes to get.

Risking It All To Reach The Stars

I was at a funeral a few years back, on the front of the program was written a phrase the deceased was known for saying "Do what's right and risk the consequences." During the reception I was talking with a guy there about the phrase and how it was so simple, but to actually put it into practice would make a massive difference in a person's life. He told me that was how he wanted to live. He wanted to "wear out with age".

Another time, I was sitting in a class where they were talking about the Fear of the Lord. This is one of my favorite topics, but I will just say this about it for now. They focused on what our lives would be like if we really walked without fear in the promises of God and to obey when He directed us. As an effort to try it, for one whole day my friends and I declared that we would do what we felt was right. We termed it FOG day (Fear Of God). It was so surprising to see the things we chose to do. People were stepping out in so many different things and because of their boldness to do what was right, others quickly joined them. It was like a pebble creating lots and lots of ripples.

I'm not going to lie. As exciting as this is, it's also scary. If I were to always step up and do what's right, regardless of the consequences. I could end up with some not so fun repercussions. Doing what's right is not always popular or appreciated. I could lose friends. Maybe even family. But is is worth it? Yeah. I think it is.

How many of us at the end of our lives want to be remembered for the good things we did? How many of us want to be looked up to, admired and honored? The truth is, getting to be that person, well... most of the time you will be ridiculed, shunned and even rejected. People won't understand your incessant need to pick up every piece of trash when you walk across the park. They won't understand why you go to bed at 10 like an old grandpa so that you can get up at a decent time the next morning and thereby stay healthy. They'll look at you strange for saving your money instead of splurging on movies, or trips to Hawaii. And if you are a person of faith, they won't understand why you insist on thanking God before you eat.

Those are all little things that we can all do to "do what's right", but what about the bigger things? What if God asks something ridiculous or what if to do something right, it looks ludicrous to the rest of the whole world? Ok that may be a bit extreme, but what if it was that big?

If you read the Bible, God asks people to do some pretty ridiculous things, but those who have the guts to risk it and obey, wow! their lives are not only exciting, they get to star in the best selling book of all time. The Bible. Take the Israelites for instance. Circa. when they are entering the promised land. They've got this massive river to cross. A whole nation has to somehow get from one side to the other. God tells them to send the priests with the ark of the covenant across first. He says they will walk across dry land. One look at that river and I can imagine how many people were thinking "yeah right!". The river was in it's flood season, the current was really strong, the place where they were to walk down to the water was extremely steep, but, they chose to risk it. To do what's right. Sure enough as soon as the priests feet his the rushing water, it dries up and the whole nation is able to walk across on dry land. Talk about a life of adventure. 

I don't know about you, but that is definitely a life I want.

I found a "musings" that I wrote a few years back and thought it was perfect for this post...


I learned once, that the light we see from the stars is actually a thousand years old by the time it reaches us. I love stars so this random piece of information always stuck with me.
One day I was moaning and complaining to God about having to wait for things and He reminded me of the star that shone for Jesus. God asked the star to move a thousand years before Jesus’ birth and it obeyed. Even though it had no understanding of why it was moving and why it was told to shine it’s brightest, it still obeyed. Unquestioningly.
There are many times in life where God tells us to do something crazy and we may not understand why, but that doesn’t matter, because He does understand. The star helped me to remember that even in situations where I feel like I’m not making an impact, that I really am, even if I don’t see it, because I am obeying God’s call on my life. Puts a whole new spin on things, doesn’t it?

“For we saw His star in the east and have come to worship Him.” Matthew 2:2b

You Have Me...?

Sometimes I wonder if I have what it takes. More specifically, do I have what it takes to follow through with what life brings my way. I'm an extremely impulsive person. Prone to let my emotions get the better of me. Slight me at your own risk. Depending on my mood I may laugh it off, return fire with sarcasm, or pelt you with my wrath and then you shall feel my fiery anger to your core.

 It surprises me sometimes how easily I can fly off the handle. Throw things across the room or scream at the top of my lungs. Don't worry, I'm not a lunatic. Or at least I hope I'm not. Most of the time I'm a happy, bubbly personality who loves to put a smile on your face, but I know there is a fear down there, deep in my heart of hearts that wonders if I'll have the stamina to keep going, to keep holding on to the truth and to finish strong.

What I realize, is that it's not necessarily the slight or the imperfection of my performance in work or friendships that are really the problem. The core of the situation is that I put it on my identity. If I fail to show up for work on time, I tell myself that my identity in time management is a failure= I'm not trustworthy or dependable so don't trust me with lots of responsibility. Likewise, when a friend or foe slights me, I tell myself that my identity as a friend or a person is a failure= I'm not reliable or fun to hang out with so don't spend time getting to know me, because there's really nothing there worth getting to know.

It's not the situation that causes trouble, it's that I let it affect my identity.

I always picture myself on a battlefield, struggling to keep control of my sword- my identity, but as each fight comes and I feel the strength leave my arms, I wonder when it will go flying from my hands to be lost in the jumble of bodies of fellow comrades that lay all around me. Maybe that's a bit dramatic, but sometimes, its how I feel... I'm left wondering what the keys are to stay the course.

Of course I know the answer. I know that each battle however big or small, it's not the end. My identity is not defined by how others view me or even how I view myself. It comes from some place much more secure and I have to trust to the law of truth, that no matter how tired my arm may become, that sword will never leave my hands. Sure it may feel slippery with sweat or blood at times, as the insults or failures come, but the truth is, it won't part with my hand.

This is no power I own, this law of truth comes from One who is higher. The One that truly saves me time and time again. The One who no matter how often I scream or yell or chuck a tantrum, He will never leave me or forsake me. He is the only one who can, for lack of a better phrase, define me. And I'm amazed at how He does.

He thinks I'm something special. Something lovely. Something to be adored and cherished. He values my opinion. He loves my creativity. He desires to know what makes me smile, what makes me angry, He even collects my tears because they are precious to Him. I don't get it, but that's how He sees me.

Isn't that amazing to think about? There's Someone out there, who will never ever stop giving up on you. He will keep loving you and pursuing your heart until your final breath on this earth. He won't rest until He's done everything to keep you, to raise you up as the amazing man or woman you were born to be. Trust me, I've seen glimpses of the men and women who have relaxed in their identity and trusted Him with their lives and they shine brighter than the stars. C.S. Lewis put it perfectly in The Weight of Glory when he talks about there being "no ordinary people". Check it out, but this is fodder for another blog, another day, I don't want to get too off topic.

No matter how crappy life feels at times, even when you want to scream and curse and make a fool of yourself to get your own way, He won't give up. That's the truth of it. I just need to recognize it a bit more and rest in knowing that even though I may not have what it takes to keep going, He does and if I keep turning to Him in my need, He will be faithful to answer. He does indeed have me.

Thus Saith the Word

Like any new years day I found myself thinking of new years resolutions and decided one thing I really wanted to conquer this year, was to read through the Bible from beginning to end. I must confess, while I've read several of the books of the Bible over and over again, there were books I'd never read, or had only read a VERY little of. So, I began my quest of reading this ginormous book.
The one thing I knew I needed to do was to refocus my perspective. Instead of coming at this book like it was something I must read in order to be a good Christian, I decided to look at it like a good fairytale, one I'd been dying to read. Lo and behold this new perspective opened my eyes to the fantastical and rich stories that make up the Bible. I rediscovered favorite characters like Elijah who with his staff called down fire to destroy his enemies. David who was so beloved by the people that it was a great honor to be one of his mighty men.  Deborah, a wise woman who commanded a whole country and led them to great victories. Men and women of valor, who defended the defenseless with swords, bows and arrows. People not unlike Robin Hood, King Arthur, Merlin and many others.
Now don't get me wrong, I know the Bible is truth, and I don't mean to make it sound like just a story. Putting this new perspective on it, rather than destroy the truth, actually revealed that it wasn't just history, but an amazing, old and awesomely rich story. Something that is truer and more alive than this world we currently call home. It's a richness I have yet to find a word for, something bigger and better than any of us could imagine. Something that haunts us, causes are skin to tingle with excitement and reverance. Something more real than this life we are living and I realize it whispers of what eternity will be like. This world will not hold us for long, we will only live here for the briefest of moments, not even long enough to bat your eye at.

We belong to another place, a richer, more alive place and my heart swells with the adventure that awaits.