This has been my question as of late. I've fought, struggled & battled to see vision & dream become reality & time & time again it falls flat at my feet, crumpled & broken.
Do I have what it takes?
Am I missing God's plan?
Am I fighting for something I want & not something He's called me to? Am I meant to keep fighting for this dream? And if so, do I have the strength do keep fighting?
It takes effort, but I manage to find a quiet place to just let loose to God, pouring out my long awaited tears at the foot of the throne. I yell & scream, I question my life & let God see the dirty side of my heart where doubt & fear still dwell strong & hot. I tell Him of my love/hate relationship with my dreams, with my life. I pour out everything & anything & the more I share the more dramatic it all sounds & I know that only God can fully take me at my most dramatic. No one else would touch me with a ten foot pole if they really saw the dramatic monster I become, but God is willing.
I am still amazed at His unfailing love & patience for His children. Even when I am questioning His faithfulness He still sweeps in, speaking softly to me & wooing me with sweet nothings...
This doesn't mean that if you are experiencing difficult times God will just make it go away. He doesn't work that way. At least He never has in my experience. No, He leaves me with Rock & Hard Place, the only difference is I am not alone. He never leaves me. He is a strong warrior dancing over me.
Can you picture it? A strong warrior dancing for a weeping, weak girl. Doing what He can to cheer her weary soul, even when she throws her fists at him & pushes Him away with unfair accusations. It doesn't stop His dance even though her sharp words sting his heart. He continues to pursue, speaking softly. Wooing.
What amazing love.
I may not have the answers to my questions, I may still wonder if my dream is still a dream or a prison, but when someone loves you this much... doesn't it make you want to follow, to love in return? To keep pushing, to keep fighting, to obey? Rock & Hard Place may come & go, but knowing He will never leave me is so very comforting. And for now, it stills those doubts, worries & pain. Not taking them away, but giving me room to stretch & grow. To continue to learn from these hardy fellows.
And if I'm really honest with myself, even though Rock & Hard Place are painful, I welcome their company because it pushes my selfish pride away & reminds me to lean on my Strong Warrior. It reminds me of what all I have to be so very thankful for & hold on to the truths that He is a faithful, loving, wonderful God & Father. And oh! What a Warrior.