The Blog Tour - My Process and Work in Progress

Welcome to the Blog Tour. A virtual tour of writers and their writing. 

Lynne Stringer at www.lynnestringer.com tagged me as part of a blog tour. Be sure to check her blog out if you're just joining the tour. 

Here's a glimpse of what I've been up to with my current WIP. 

1. WHAT YOU'RE WORKING ON AT THE MOMENT? 
I am currently working on my first novel. I've got about 1500 more words to write to complete the first draft and then the edits begin. I'm really excited about this project. It's a fantasy about a girl learning how to grow up essentially and she's got some tough decisions to make, including finding out she's the heir to a forgotten kingdom. The story follows her as she decides what must be done and all the adventures and misadventures she comes across in the process.

2. HOW DOES YOUR WORK DIFFER FROM OTHERS IN YOUR GENRE? 
I'm hoping to stand out with having a strong female lead. I also think the world I've created is different from any I've read so far. The cast of characters I have help too.

3. WHY DO YOU WRITE OR CREATE WHAT YOU DO? 
C.S. Lewis and Tolkien wrote their novels because they wanted to read more stories they would like. For me it's the same. I love the fantasy genre and how many stories can be told and how unique the characters are portrayed. A lot of time, I feel like they are filled with allegory and often the characters teach me valuable lessons. I think this translates in my writing as well. I like to tell stories of the things I've learned and in processing that through my stories, I learn more as well.

4. HOW DOES YOUR WRITING/CREATIVE PROCESS WORK? 
 I'm very chaotic when it comes to my process. I've spent years asking different writers what their style is, what they've found that works and doesn't work and I feel like I've actually tried it all too. I've read books and taken courses on it, but for me, I start with a basic storyline. I may write out a short paragraph of the overall story and then I start writing. I let the scenes come as I write, all the while keeping in the back of my mind where I need to get them and what they need to learn and how they need to change. 

Along the way I may write out biographies for specific characters and I'll start building from there what the different places in the world I'm creating look like. As the story progresses I come up with more ideas and implement them into the story to flesh it out a bit more.

It is a very chaotic way to write and won't work for everyone, but I've discovered that even if I do plan out a detailed plot I still go off on tangents that actually have more impact on my test audience. 

Once I've written out a full draft of the story, then I send it to a select few for feedback. I also live with a great bunch of friends who enjoy hearing my stories, so I'll read my story out loud. They're pretty vocal about what they like and when they stop me to ask questions, it gives me more of an idea of the plot holes I need to fix. Reading it out loud also helps me see where things are flowing and where they aren't. 

Over all it's a fun process, but if I could encourage any aspiring author it would be to find the discipline to just sit down and write. Don't wait for inspiration. Schedule out a time to write and do it every single day.

I hope you enjoyed reading this and now to continue your blog tour, head over to Sandi Rog's page next week (10 August) to hear about her work and process. Also next week head over to Adam Colling's blog to hear about his as well.

Rock, Hardplace > Me

What happens when our dreams become a prison?

This has been my question as of late. I've fought, struggled & battled to see vision & dream become reality & time & time again it falls flat at my feet, crumpled & broken.

Do I have what it takes?

Am I missing God's plan?

Am I fighting for something I want & not something He's called me to? Am I meant to keep fighting for this dream? And if so, do I have the strength do keep fighting?

It takes effort, but I manage to find a quiet place to just let loose to God, pouring out my long awaited tears at the foot of the throne. I yell & scream, I question my life & let God see the dirty side of my heart where doubt & fear still dwell strong & hot. I tell Him of my love/hate relationship with my dreams, with my life. I pour out everything & anything & the more I share the more dramatic it all sounds & I know that only God can fully take me at my most dramatic. No one else would touch me with a ten foot pole if they really saw the dramatic monster I become, but God is willing.

He listens.

I am still amazed at His unfailing love & patience for His children. Even when I am questioning His faithfulness He still sweeps in, speaking softly to me & wooing me with sweet nothings...

This doesn't mean that if you are experiencing difficult times God will just make it go away. He doesn't work that way. At least He never has in my experience. No, He leaves me with Rock & Hard Place, the only difference is I am not alone. He never leaves me. He is a strong warrior dancing over me.

Can you picture it? A strong warrior dancing for a weeping, weak girl. Doing what He can to cheer her weary soul, even when she throws her fists at him & pushes Him away with unfair accusations. It doesn't stop His dance even though her sharp words sting his heart. He continues to pursue, speaking softly. Wooing.

What amazing love.

I may not have the answers to my questions, I may still wonder if my dream is still a dream or a prison, but when someone loves you this much... doesn't it make you want to follow, to love in return? To keep pushing, to keep fighting, to obey? Rock & Hard Place may come & go, but knowing He will never leave me is so very comforting. And for now, it stills those doubts, worries & pain. Not taking them away, but giving me room to stretch & grow. To continue to learn from these hardy fellows.

And if I'm really honest with myself, even though Rock & Hard Place are painful, I welcome their company because it pushes my selfish pride away & reminds me to lean on my Strong Warrior. It reminds me of what all I have to be so very thankful for & hold on to the truths that He is a faithful, loving, wonderful God & Father. And oh! What a Warrior.

Ice Caves & Wisdom Teeth

Fear worms around our hearts and squeezes until we can't breathe. We avoid it by hiding away in a self made cage,  thinking we're safe from all uncertainties. Only problem, it keeps us from the good too...

I sit at my parents' dinning room table and look out at the enchanting forest of their backyard, a gentle mist hangs on the mountains in the distance. It's haunting and beautiful. Mostly it's terrifying. Those mountains I love so much hold a hidden treasure. Ice caves. Blue, rock hard and enchanting, but the trail there is dangerous and in places death defying, not to mention there's a looming threat right now of flooding and at any moment without warning the glacier could calve and come bone crashing down upon any would be adventurers. 

I've only seen pictures of the ice caves, but my spirit is drawn to explore them. The reality of actually traveling the seven to eight hour hike, climbing rocks and sliding across ice while avoiding confrontations with bears or wolves is enough to make me cancel any plans to try. I had plans to go with my brother, sister-in-law and eleven year old niece but after doing a bit of research I made a phone call and quickly backed out.

Fear crippled my heart.

I'm not saying there isn't a healthy fear, in all honesty, I am probably not fit enough to try the hike yet, but as I sat gloomily licking the wounds where fear had held tightest I began to see other areas where fear still held deathly tight.

Two years ago I was urged to get my wisdom teeth removed within the year, I ignored the suggestion and pretended my teeth were fine. I didn't fancy the idea of having my gum and jaw bone cut open.

When the pain in my jaws continued to grow I finally took the plunge and before long found myself sitting in a dentist chair, a paper bib clipped to my shirt and little wires and pads stuck to my chest and side. I was alone, I presume the nurse and doctor were prepping for surgery. I took deep breaths to still my beating heart. My first surgery. All the "What ifs..." racing through my mind. Then I looked out the window, little drift wood birds swung from the tree abutting the building. The peaceful scene quite the opposite of my own feelings.

Seeing those birds something in me began to still and quiet... Those who put their hope in The Lord will renew their strength. Yes, The Lord, He would still my fear. I prayed. The doctor came in and the room began to bustle with activity but I kept my focus on the drift wood birds. My vision began to fade, I made a few jokes as peace seeped through me and fell asleep to the joyful laughter and banter of the doctor and nurses. 

Fear didn't win because Perfect Love cast it out. 

The ice caves still beacon to me, an adventure I will someday undertake and conquer, but for now I will let myself soak in the wonderful presence of Perfect Love, allowing Him to work in my heart and pull the thorns of fear.

The only thing I need to remember, Perfect Love is a gentleman and He won't come until I ask.

I am Verity's Man

Over the Easter weekend I found myself volunteering for a large music festival. I slept in a tent, had no access to a mirror or soap & spent four sleepless nights, wrapped from head to toe in almost every piece of clothing I brought with me. My travel mug full of hot water became my impromptu heater, but still I tossed and turned on the cold, hard ground, only to wake from the few hours of sleep sore & so very tired, but I was a leader so I needed to be on top of my game. Look sharp, awake, joyful and not bicker about my circumstances. My hours were different from all my friends, so most of the time I was left alone and all I really wanted to do was sleep or cry. Then I watched Mel Gibson's The Passion. I've seen this film so many times, but with the unique experience of my own suffering, I saw with new eyes the pain Jesus experienced.

My appetite for the milk chocolatey goodness of Easter eggs suddenly lacked enthusiasm. 

I can only imagine the fullness of his experience and pain. Friends betrayed him with a kiss, he was wrongly accused, beaten, mocked and cursed. He called his friends to pray with him, but they couldn't even stay awake for an hour, he begged his father to remove the call on his life, but always came back to choosing his father's will and not his own, knowing it led to a cross. No wonder he was sweating blood. (Luke 22:44)

Can you imagine such crazy love?

He didn't let his pain or hurt lead him away from the road to the cross. Instead he fixed his eyes on Papa God and kept taking one step at a time toward the road to death.

Here comes the uncomfortable bit. We've been called to die too. Not a literal death, but a death to our self or flesh. That selfish place within each of us that demands we have our way. I for one fight my flesh on a daily basis and I don't always win... in choosing death however, we are called to a richer living. A living to God.

"Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. We know that Christ, being raised from the dead, will never die again; death no longer has dominion over him. For the death he died he died to sin, once for all, but the life he lives he lives to God. So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus."                                                                              Romans 6:8-11 (emphasis mine)

But the life he lives he lives to God...

A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to teach on the subject of worship. I was so excited to really dig into the word and discover new hidden treasures of what it means to worship Him but not all of what I discovered was very comfortable and friendly like so many of the worship songs now a days make it sound. In fact one of the most often used words for worship comes from a meaning to give homage like a dog licking his masters hand. This imagery forced me to reevaluate what I think of when it comes to worship and living for God.

Homage. I like this word. 

There's something deep and hidden behind this simple word. To give homage is to belong to someone. In the olden days it was what happened to a man who lived on the king's land. In exchange of the land they were to live as the king's vassal, to be his man and give him homage, to go to war if called on or to stand with the king. It was a public declaration of belonging. When people came across these men, they would call them a "King's man" or the "King's vassal".

I came across an example of this in an unlikely novel I read recently, it digs deep into what it means to be the king's vassal or man. In this book, by Robin Hobb, a young boy who's the illegitimate son of king-in-waiting Chivalry, is given a promise by king Shrewd (his grandfather) that if he accepts his place as a king's man the king will make sure he has what he needs and will train him in swordplay, court manners, etc. The boy agrees to this promise and suddenly his life is no longer his own. 

It's the same with us. As soon as we choose Christ our lives our not our own anymore. When we choose to live our lives to Him we can no longer live our lives to our selves. Another example. When the boy in this novel is challenged to do a hard task for his king and everything within him is saying "no" he has to come to terms with the promise he agreed to, his life is to do the kings will. Anything less is treason. Even uttering a whispered complaint or challenge about the king's order is too close to treason for comfort. Likewise we no longer live for our will but for His. Anything less should be considered treasonous to our Papa King. Not because of some legalistic ideal, but because of our crazy love to honor and respect the King of kings.

Going back to the novel, this boy who has no name becomes known for his loyalty to king-in-waiting Verity, his uncle. He continually sets his self aside for the greater good of the kingdom, he submits his will to the king and because of this people call him "Verity's man".

I want to be Verity's man.  To be God's man.

It's not an easy road though. My self still shouts to be heard and demands rights it has no right to demand. I don't have any rights any more. I gave all that away as soon as I chose Jesus, because choosing Jesus means dying to my self and sin and living to God. Living a life of obedience, not because I have to but because I want to return some of that crazy love Jesus has for me.

I looked up what it means to "live to God." It comes from the Greek word záō which means* to live, breathe, be among the living, not lifeless, not dead. To enjoy real life, to have true life worthy of the name. It's something active, blessed, endless in the kingdom of God. To live in the manner of the living and acting of mortals and character. It's a living water, having vital power in itself and exerting the same upon the soul. The metaphor is to be in full vigor, to be fresh, strong, efficient. As an adjective it is active, powerful and efficacious.

All that in one little word. Live.

One of my favorite lines in Lord of the Rings is when Samwise Gamgee is holding the One Ring and looking out at the vast wasteland of Mordor. The ring is tempting him with this barren landscape, and he knows that all he has to do is put the ring on and he can transform the dead earth to a living garden, the best the whole of Middle Earth will ever see. Sam is a gardener. The temptation is great. But then Tolkien writes, "But it was the love of his master that stayed his hand." It was Frodo's crazy love and Sam's desire to return that crazy love that kept him from temptation.

Oh that we would all be a little more like Sam and stay our hands from evil because of that crazy love Jesus has for us.

Life is full of difficulties and detours, but if we can keep our eyes fixed like Jesus and keep walking the road He has for us we can experience the crazy love in fullness and know what it is to really live to God.

So here's where I start. This is my public declaration, I am God's man. I am His vassal. I may not always like the things He calls me to, I know my flesh will fight because of the uncomfortable places I go because of obedience to Him, I will be ridiculed, mocked, wrongly accused and more, but how can I not return His crazy love for me, by choosing death to sin and self, for the living he has in store for those who choose it? What about you? Are you ready for this kind of adventure?

*meaning of záō can be found in Strong's #2198, http://www.studylight.org/lexicons/greek/gwview.cgi?n=2198

Resolutions, Sonic Screwdrivers and New Years

The last day of 2013 has come and gone. Already I have caught the first rays of light peaking over the horizon in this new year. 2014. How can this be, you ask.

I live in the future.

I am often asked by friends and family what the future holds, how the weather is in the future, or if the world still exists in the future. I rise to their antics because secretly it's my nerdy desire to somehow live in my own futuristic, sci-fi world.

Many of us are looking to the future today and falling into the trap of new years resolutions. Promising that this year will be different, that this year we won't fail. Really... we all know that we'll last a week or two, maybe others will be strong enough to last a month or maybe even three. And there's a very small percentage that will last almost the whole year. To them I say "Well done."

But how many of us can say we stuck to our resolutions for the whole year?

Do new years resolutions only lead to deferred hopes?

What are resolutions really anyway?

Resolution
rɛzəˈluːʃ(ə)n/
1. a firm decision to do or not to do something.
2. the quality of being determined or resolute.
google dictionary

Hmmm. I think we've forgotten what resolution really means or at least forgotten how to stick to our word when we make a New Years Resolution. I know reading googles definition definitely makes me pause for a moment and reconsider. 

Resolutions are serious business. 

In my last day of 2013 I was inspired to do many things, so badly wanting to make great New Years Resolutions. There's something about a clean slate. A New Year that kindles hope for new determination so I started making a mental list, but now, seeing what resolution really means, I fear I may not have what it takes to actually call my list New Years Resolutions. Maybe I'll call it a Wish List instead...

• write a gripping screenplay
• shoot said gripping screenplay
• maybe even act and produce said gripping screenplay
• play the piano again, maybe even take some lessons
• take voice lessons and start writing songs again
• restring my guitar so I can start writing said songs
• finish my novels
• get into shape, maybe even take dance lessons
• read through the whole bible
• visit my family
• travel to new places

It's a good list. I like my list.

However, when I step back and look at the logistics of doing ALL of that in one year. I know I may be shooting for the stars. I mean I do have three hundred and sixty-five days to do these things, but am I reaching too high? Probably.

I'm glad I called it a wish list.

Here's the thing. I'm thirty years old. Time is ticking by faster and faster every year. It's no joke kids, time really does move faster the older you get. I always thought it was a joke. It's not. I'm not even sure what happened to most of 2013! Time is precious and we've got no Time Machine to turn it back. No Crown DeLorean.

I want to do more.

So... how do we keep pushing forward? How do we hold on to our new years resolutions and find ourselves still living them out at the end of 2014? I wish I had some sci-fi gadget, like a sonic screwdriver that held the answer and fixed this plot hole, where I could press a button and all of us would live the life we desire.

Happily Ever After.

But I don't have a sonic screwdriver.

Here's what I do know. Happily Ever After's are a lot of hard work. All my favorite stories are full of difficult roads, darkness, pain and heart ache. This is what I have to keep in mind if I want to still be living out my wish list at the end of 2014.

This is why I have to call the list my New Years Resolutions.

What does that mean I have to look forward to? Three hundred and sixty-five days of Hard, Difficult and Pain.

The birds are beginning to wake in this new world, lifting up joyous melodies, inviting the first rays of light to turn away the night and welcome in the day. It's easy to look at Hard, Difficult and Pain and say it sounds exciting. I love and crave the adventure they promise. Living it out on the other hand is a lot more difficult. I'll probably fail, but I've got Batman's dad to remind me that we fall so that we can get back up. I think its time to start taking steps towards my Resolutions.

Even if I fail or fall. I just have to get back up and thankfully, I've got the best Dad in the world to pick me back up again and again and again.

Happy New Years everyone!

Be brave like the Snowbell

It thrives in cold climates. Lives in rocky, wet places. Prefers to be up high. On a mountain where the snow stays longest. Harsh conditions are best. Where it's strongest. Toughest.

Sounds romantic doesn't it? It's not.

It's lonely, cold. Harsh. The reality of this awesome place takes your breath away in its majestic beauty, but it also rips you apart. Bruises. Batters. Yet this is where, if you're brave, you find a small, delicate, violet flower. A Snowbell.

Snowbells grow under the snow. Imagine a domed roof of crystal. Sounds enchanting. Magical. It's incubated. Living in a warm haven from the cold world outside. Safe. But it doesn't stay there. It pushes through its protective palace. To blossom. To reveal its hidden beauty.

I first learn about this little flower just days before my mom calls with news that brings quick tears to my eyes. My beloved, loving aunt has passed away... For four days I hid in my house, watching what my housemate calls "depressing" movies. I'm caught off guard when she says that. To me they are deep and inspiring stories. I reluctantly pull back and examine them. They are depressing. All the films I choose are about eccentric, dysfunctional families. Where someone dies and the rest try to figure out how to keep going after their loved ones are gone.

This is how I process. I watch movies that remind me of my wonderful, quirky family. I cry with the characters as they learn how to say goodbye because, the truth is, I can't be with my family. I'm half way across the world from them.

I hate goodbyes.

I hate harsh realities.

But a little, purple flower keeps slapping me in the face.

Life is a lot like a Snowbell. Only I never feel quite ready to break into the cold world. There are moments I think I'm brave. Think that I'll push forward. But its a lot harder than I imagine. My aunt is gone and now there's a big hole.

I mourn. But not for her. She's in a better place. She's pain free and experiencing real life. She's pushed through the last snowflake domed roof this life can throw at her.

Her beauty is no longer hidden.

It's revealed.

I want to be like her and the Snowbell.

I can't join her. She's gone where I cannot follow. At least not right now. But I can and must use the hard things life throws at me to grow. I must push through life's snow domed impossibilities. Like saying goodbye. I realize I haven't made my heart public yet. My family has filled the pages of Facebook with their heart. I can't. It's not safe and all the words in the world feel empty and hollow. I can say I love her, it's true. I can say that I miss her. That I hurt for the family she leaves behind. It's all true but the words still feel void. Just like the emptiness I feel knowing I'll never hug her again. Never again hear her familiar, wonderful laughter. Laughter that tells me I am home. That I am with my family.

But I'm trying to be like my aunt. And like the Snowbell.

I must be vulnerable and brave.

Even when brick walls try to smother my progress. I must live. Really live. So here's my heart. It hurts. I'm confused. I miss my family. I miss my aunt... I remember she once bought me a thick, red towel. I remember she talked funny when she said "I love you, Cari". I remember she took me to Casa Bonita and the movies. I remember when she got excited about the plays she was in. I remember singing in the car with her and my cousins. I remember when she let herself be vulnerable in front of me and cried. I remember she opened her car by putting the remote under her chin. It always made me laugh. Seems silly that this is what I remember most. That silly remote. But it's real and the memories bring fresh pain. Just like the icy cold the Snowbell must feel the first time the bud pushes against the snow dome.

Letting the pain in doesn't feel good, but it's healthy. How else does the Snowbell reveal its bright royal colors? How else do we learn to really laugh?

And joy comes in the morning. I know it. The glorious sun shines down on the Snowbell and keeps it warm. The bright light causes the snow to sparkle. The Comforter stands next to my family. Next to me. I can release the pain and let the beauty in. I can laugh again.

My family is all together today, celebrating the life of my aunt. I wish I was there, but I'm still half way across the world. I hear the funeral was wonderful. Heart-warming. I'm not surprised. She was an amazing, loving woman. A great mother and wife. A wonderful aunt. I hear its snowing there now. Filling that world with wonderful, clean snow. How miraculous. My aunt. The Snowbell. Adorned with diamond jewels of crystalline snow.

No longer hidden.

Fully revealed.

Dancing, Bulls & God's Tattoos

"As for your writing... dance with the bulls."

About a year ago I wrote a letter to one of my favorite authors. I told him about my writing, never expecting him to respond, but hoping he would. He did! Now a year later his words still haunt me. "As for your writing, I hope you continue to dance with the bulls." These words speak of something I've let go, something I need to remember.

In the last few months one of my favorite things has fallen into the background, lying under a layer of dust, forgotten. My love for writing. I've let it drift to the back burner. I've also quit my work out routine. I'm frustrated & ready to give myself the biggest lecture ever & then I remember, it's not hard to see why these things have slipped into the background. I mean, I am currently leading a course which takes most of my time, I'm mentoring several people, teaching on several courses & my ministry just moved offices. My plate is pretty full. However, what I'm realizing is this is becoming an excuse. 

When was Excuses invited?

Yes, life is busy. Good busy. I love my life, but I don't want all these wonderful things I'm doing to be shaded with the color of excuses. If I continue choosing to let the busyness of life become an excuse then I will never get a book published, I will never reach my goal weight & I will never reach any other goal I set for myself. Why? Because Excuses will rule my life & before I know it, I'll be 50 & wonder what happened.

Excuses are like cancer.

New goal. 

STOP making excuses. There will always be one. "Oh I'm too tired." "I'm sick." "I tried, but it never worked out." "I'll do it later, or tomorrow, or next week."

Excuses are endless and they seek to devour our life, but I don't want to let it anymore.

Yesterday I read a novel in one sitting, it's called Divergent. The writing was engaging & provocative. Provocative in the sense that it woke something in me, a hunger to "Go the Distance" like the great song from Hercules. One of the characters in this novel, by Veronica Roth, gets a tattoo of a bird to remind herself of the fears she's choosing to overcome. Another character chooses to not let bullies or bruises stand in her way, she must overcome & so she doesn't tolerate the many excuses that face her.

I'm not gonna lie, after reading the book I wanted to go out and get a tattoo. Like now. Something that will be there for life to remind me of God's call, the one He put deep in my soul & tells me I am created for so much more than this. The one that will inspire me when I'm tempted by excuses. I already know what it will look like. It will be something like a stick figure dancing with bulls, because even though those big, ferocious animals scare the crummy out of me I'm gonna choose to dance with them instead of letting my fear get the better of me. Excuses aren't allowed, only dancing with bulls is welcome.

Please don't all jump from your chair and get the first tattoo you think of, I drew my bull and stick figure on my arm & immediately my friends told me "No", thank goodness for good friends. But really, look at the heart behind what I'm saying. Tattoos are awesome but right now I am being allegorical in my reference. 

God has already tattooed our hearts. 

We can try to silence the call God has placed in us & we can throw every excuse in the book at it, but it will still be there like a persistent badger. 

A forever mark of how we are meant to live. 

It's His call to adventure, whispering "I've got bigger plans for you." The moment we let this call to adventure free the more God can show us how limitless we are when He's leading our lives. With God, nothing is impossible. Especially when we choose to toss Excuses out the door. 

Excuses are no longer welcome.

New challenge. 

Kick Excuses out. Choose the limitless adventure of God's call. Let Him remind me of the dreams & stories he's got me to tell. Put pen to paper. Get my running shoes on & get out the door. 

What about you? 

Feeling provoked yet? Life is full of tomorrows that will never come.

It's time to run.