I am Verity's Man

Over the Easter weekend I found myself volunteering for a large music festival. I slept in a tent, had no access to a mirror or soap & spent four sleepless nights, wrapped from head to toe in almost every piece of clothing I brought with me. My travel mug full of hot water became my impromptu heater, but still I tossed and turned on the cold, hard ground, only to wake from the few hours of sleep sore & so very tired, but I was a leader so I needed to be on top of my game. Look sharp, awake, joyful and not bicker about my circumstances. My hours were different from all my friends, so most of the time I was left alone and all I really wanted to do was sleep or cry. Then I watched Mel Gibson's The Passion. I've seen this film so many times, but with the unique experience of my own suffering, I saw with new eyes the pain Jesus experienced.

My appetite for the milk chocolatey goodness of Easter eggs suddenly lacked enthusiasm. 

I can only imagine the fullness of his experience and pain. Friends betrayed him with a kiss, he was wrongly accused, beaten, mocked and cursed. He called his friends to pray with him, but they couldn't even stay awake for an hour, he begged his father to remove the call on his life, but always came back to choosing his father's will and not his own, knowing it led to a cross. No wonder he was sweating blood. (Luke 22:44)

Can you imagine such crazy love?

He didn't let his pain or hurt lead him away from the road to the cross. Instead he fixed his eyes on Papa God and kept taking one step at a time toward the road to death.

Here comes the uncomfortable bit. We've been called to die too. Not a literal death, but a death to our self or flesh. That selfish place within each of us that demands we have our way. I for one fight my flesh on a daily basis and I don't always win... in choosing death however, we are called to a richer living. A living to God.

"Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. We know that Christ, being raised from the dead, will never die again; death no longer has dominion over him. For the death he died he died to sin, once for all, but the life he lives he lives to God. So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus."                                                                              Romans 6:8-11 (emphasis mine)

But the life he lives he lives to God...

A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to teach on the subject of worship. I was so excited to really dig into the word and discover new hidden treasures of what it means to worship Him but not all of what I discovered was very comfortable and friendly like so many of the worship songs now a days make it sound. In fact one of the most often used words for worship comes from a meaning to give homage like a dog licking his masters hand. This imagery forced me to reevaluate what I think of when it comes to worship and living for God.

Homage. I like this word. 

There's something deep and hidden behind this simple word. To give homage is to belong to someone. In the olden days it was what happened to a man who lived on the king's land. In exchange of the land they were to live as the king's vassal, to be his man and give him homage, to go to war if called on or to stand with the king. It was a public declaration of belonging. When people came across these men, they would call them a "King's man" or the "King's vassal".

I came across an example of this in an unlikely novel I read recently, it digs deep into what it means to be the king's vassal or man. In this book, by Robin Hobb, a young boy who's the illegitimate son of king-in-waiting Chivalry, is given a promise by king Shrewd (his grandfather) that if he accepts his place as a king's man the king will make sure he has what he needs and will train him in swordplay, court manners, etc. The boy agrees to this promise and suddenly his life is no longer his own. 

It's the same with us. As soon as we choose Christ our lives our not our own anymore. When we choose to live our lives to Him we can no longer live our lives to our selves. Another example. When the boy in this novel is challenged to do a hard task for his king and everything within him is saying "no" he has to come to terms with the promise he agreed to, his life is to do the kings will. Anything less is treason. Even uttering a whispered complaint or challenge about the king's order is too close to treason for comfort. Likewise we no longer live for our will but for His. Anything less should be considered treasonous to our Papa King. Not because of some legalistic ideal, but because of our crazy love to honor and respect the King of kings.

Going back to the novel, this boy who has no name becomes known for his loyalty to king-in-waiting Verity, his uncle. He continually sets his self aside for the greater good of the kingdom, he submits his will to the king and because of this people call him "Verity's man".

I want to be Verity's man.  To be God's man.

It's not an easy road though. My self still shouts to be heard and demands rights it has no right to demand. I don't have any rights any more. I gave all that away as soon as I chose Jesus, because choosing Jesus means dying to my self and sin and living to God. Living a life of obedience, not because I have to but because I want to return some of that crazy love Jesus has for me.

I looked up what it means to "live to God." It comes from the Greek word záō which means* to live, breathe, be among the living, not lifeless, not dead. To enjoy real life, to have true life worthy of the name. It's something active, blessed, endless in the kingdom of God. To live in the manner of the living and acting of mortals and character. It's a living water, having vital power in itself and exerting the same upon the soul. The metaphor is to be in full vigor, to be fresh, strong, efficient. As an adjective it is active, powerful and efficacious.

All that in one little word. Live.

One of my favorite lines in Lord of the Rings is when Samwise Gamgee is holding the One Ring and looking out at the vast wasteland of Mordor. The ring is tempting him with this barren landscape, and he knows that all he has to do is put the ring on and he can transform the dead earth to a living garden, the best the whole of Middle Earth will ever see. Sam is a gardener. The temptation is great. But then Tolkien writes, "But it was the love of his master that stayed his hand." It was Frodo's crazy love and Sam's desire to return that crazy love that kept him from temptation.

Oh that we would all be a little more like Sam and stay our hands from evil because of that crazy love Jesus has for us.

Life is full of difficulties and detours, but if we can keep our eyes fixed like Jesus and keep walking the road He has for us we can experience the crazy love in fullness and know what it is to really live to God.

So here's where I start. This is my public declaration, I am God's man. I am His vassal. I may not always like the things He calls me to, I know my flesh will fight because of the uncomfortable places I go because of obedience to Him, I will be ridiculed, mocked, wrongly accused and more, but how can I not return His crazy love for me, by choosing death to sin and self, for the living he has in store for those who choose it? What about you? Are you ready for this kind of adventure?

*meaning of záō can be found in Strong's #2198, http://www.studylight.org/lexicons/greek/gwview.cgi?n=2198

Resolutions, Sonic Screwdrivers and New Years

The last day of 2013 has come and gone. Already I have caught the first rays of light peaking over the horizon in this new year. 2014. How can this be, you ask.

I live in the future.

I am often asked by friends and family what the future holds, how the weather is in the future, or if the world still exists in the future. I rise to their antics because secretly it's my nerdy desire to somehow live in my own futuristic, sci-fi world.

Many of us are looking to the future today and falling into the trap of new years resolutions. Promising that this year will be different, that this year we won't fail. Really... we all know that we'll last a week or two, maybe others will be strong enough to last a month or maybe even three. And there's a very small percentage that will last almost the whole year. To them I say "Well done."

But how many of us can say we stuck to our resolutions for the whole year?

Do new years resolutions only lead to deferred hopes?

What are resolutions really anyway?

Resolution
rɛzəˈluːʃ(ə)n/
1. a firm decision to do or not to do something.
2. the quality of being determined or resolute.
google dictionary

Hmmm. I think we've forgotten what resolution really means or at least forgotten how to stick to our word when we make a New Years Resolution. I know reading googles definition definitely makes me pause for a moment and reconsider. 

Resolutions are serious business. 

In my last day of 2013 I was inspired to do many things, so badly wanting to make great New Years Resolutions. There's something about a clean slate. A New Year that kindles hope for new determination so I started making a mental list, but now, seeing what resolution really means, I fear I may not have what it takes to actually call my list New Years Resolutions. Maybe I'll call it a Wish List instead...

• write a gripping screenplay
• shoot said gripping screenplay
• maybe even act and produce said gripping screenplay
• play the piano again, maybe even take some lessons
• take voice lessons and start writing songs again
• restring my guitar so I can start writing said songs
• finish my novels
• get into shape, maybe even take dance lessons
• read through the whole bible
• visit my family
• travel to new places

It's a good list. I like my list.

However, when I step back and look at the logistics of doing ALL of that in one year. I know I may be shooting for the stars. I mean I do have three hundred and sixty-five days to do these things, but am I reaching too high? Probably.

I'm glad I called it a wish list.

Here's the thing. I'm thirty years old. Time is ticking by faster and faster every year. It's no joke kids, time really does move faster the older you get. I always thought it was a joke. It's not. I'm not even sure what happened to most of 2013! Time is precious and we've got no Time Machine to turn it back. No Crown DeLorean.

I want to do more.

So... how do we keep pushing forward? How do we hold on to our new years resolutions and find ourselves still living them out at the end of 2014? I wish I had some sci-fi gadget, like a sonic screwdriver that held the answer and fixed this plot hole, where I could press a button and all of us would live the life we desire.

Happily Ever After.

But I don't have a sonic screwdriver.

Here's what I do know. Happily Ever After's are a lot of hard work. All my favorite stories are full of difficult roads, darkness, pain and heart ache. This is what I have to keep in mind if I want to still be living out my wish list at the end of 2014.

This is why I have to call the list my New Years Resolutions.

What does that mean I have to look forward to? Three hundred and sixty-five days of Hard, Difficult and Pain.

The birds are beginning to wake in this new world, lifting up joyous melodies, inviting the first rays of light to turn away the night and welcome in the day. It's easy to look at Hard, Difficult and Pain and say it sounds exciting. I love and crave the adventure they promise. Living it out on the other hand is a lot more difficult. I'll probably fail, but I've got Batman's dad to remind me that we fall so that we can get back up. I think its time to start taking steps towards my Resolutions.

Even if I fail or fall. I just have to get back up and thankfully, I've got the best Dad in the world to pick me back up again and again and again.

Happy New Years everyone!

Be brave like the Snowbell

It thrives in cold climates. Lives in rocky, wet places. Prefers to be up high. On a mountain where the snow stays longest. Harsh conditions are best. Where it's strongest. Toughest.

Sounds romantic doesn't it? It's not.

It's lonely, cold. Harsh. The reality of this awesome place takes your breath away in its majestic beauty, but it also rips you apart. Bruises. Batters. Yet this is where, if you're brave, you find a small, delicate, violet flower. A Snowbell.

Snowbells grow under the snow. Imagine a domed roof of crystal. Sounds enchanting. Magical. It's incubated. Living in a warm haven from the cold world outside. Safe. But it doesn't stay there. It pushes through its protective palace. To blossom. To reveal its hidden beauty.

I first learn about this little flower just days before my mom calls with news that brings quick tears to my eyes. My beloved, loving aunt has passed away... For four days I hid in my house, watching what my housemate calls "depressing" movies. I'm caught off guard when she says that. To me they are deep and inspiring stories. I reluctantly pull back and examine them. They are depressing. All the films I choose are about eccentric, dysfunctional families. Where someone dies and the rest try to figure out how to keep going after their loved ones are gone.

This is how I process. I watch movies that remind me of my wonderful, quirky family. I cry with the characters as they learn how to say goodbye because, the truth is, I can't be with my family. I'm half way across the world from them.

I hate goodbyes.

I hate harsh realities.

But a little, purple flower keeps slapping me in the face.

Life is a lot like a Snowbell. Only I never feel quite ready to break into the cold world. There are moments I think I'm brave. Think that I'll push forward. But its a lot harder than I imagine. My aunt is gone and now there's a big hole.

I mourn. But not for her. She's in a better place. She's pain free and experiencing real life. She's pushed through the last snowflake domed roof this life can throw at her.

Her beauty is no longer hidden.

It's revealed.

I want to be like her and the Snowbell.

I can't join her. She's gone where I cannot follow. At least not right now. But I can and must use the hard things life throws at me to grow. I must push through life's snow domed impossibilities. Like saying goodbye. I realize I haven't made my heart public yet. My family has filled the pages of Facebook with their heart. I can't. It's not safe and all the words in the world feel empty and hollow. I can say I love her, it's true. I can say that I miss her. That I hurt for the family she leaves behind. It's all true but the words still feel void. Just like the emptiness I feel knowing I'll never hug her again. Never again hear her familiar, wonderful laughter. Laughter that tells me I am home. That I am with my family.

But I'm trying to be like my aunt. And like the Snowbell.

I must be vulnerable and brave.

Even when brick walls try to smother my progress. I must live. Really live. So here's my heart. It hurts. I'm confused. I miss my family. I miss my aunt... I remember she once bought me a thick, red towel. I remember she talked funny when she said "I love you, Cari". I remember she took me to Casa Bonita and the movies. I remember when she got excited about the plays she was in. I remember singing in the car with her and my cousins. I remember when she let herself be vulnerable in front of me and cried. I remember she opened her car by putting the remote under her chin. It always made me laugh. Seems silly that this is what I remember most. That silly remote. But it's real and the memories bring fresh pain. Just like the icy cold the Snowbell must feel the first time the bud pushes against the snow dome.

Letting the pain in doesn't feel good, but it's healthy. How else does the Snowbell reveal its bright royal colors? How else do we learn to really laugh?

And joy comes in the morning. I know it. The glorious sun shines down on the Snowbell and keeps it warm. The bright light causes the snow to sparkle. The Comforter stands next to my family. Next to me. I can release the pain and let the beauty in. I can laugh again.

My family is all together today, celebrating the life of my aunt. I wish I was there, but I'm still half way across the world. I hear the funeral was wonderful. Heart-warming. I'm not surprised. She was an amazing, loving woman. A great mother and wife. A wonderful aunt. I hear its snowing there now. Filling that world with wonderful, clean snow. How miraculous. My aunt. The Snowbell. Adorned with diamond jewels of crystalline snow.

No longer hidden.

Fully revealed.

Dancing, Bulls & God's Tattoos

"As for your writing... dance with the bulls."

About a year ago I wrote a letter to one of my favorite authors. I told him about my writing, never expecting him to respond, but hoping he would. He did! Now a year later his words still haunt me. "As for your writing, I hope you continue to dance with the bulls." These words speak of something I've let go, something I need to remember.

In the last few months one of my favorite things has fallen into the background, lying under a layer of dust, forgotten. My love for writing. I've let it drift to the back burner. I've also quit my work out routine. I'm frustrated & ready to give myself the biggest lecture ever & then I remember, it's not hard to see why these things have slipped into the background. I mean, I am currently leading a course which takes most of my time, I'm mentoring several people, teaching on several courses & my ministry just moved offices. My plate is pretty full. However, what I'm realizing is this is becoming an excuse. 

When was Excuses invited?

Yes, life is busy. Good busy. I love my life, but I don't want all these wonderful things I'm doing to be shaded with the color of excuses. If I continue choosing to let the busyness of life become an excuse then I will never get a book published, I will never reach my goal weight & I will never reach any other goal I set for myself. Why? Because Excuses will rule my life & before I know it, I'll be 50 & wonder what happened.

Excuses are like cancer.

New goal. 

STOP making excuses. There will always be one. "Oh I'm too tired." "I'm sick." "I tried, but it never worked out." "I'll do it later, or tomorrow, or next week."

Excuses are endless and they seek to devour our life, but I don't want to let it anymore.

Yesterday I read a novel in one sitting, it's called Divergent. The writing was engaging & provocative. Provocative in the sense that it woke something in me, a hunger to "Go the Distance" like the great song from Hercules. One of the characters in this novel, by Veronica Roth, gets a tattoo of a bird to remind herself of the fears she's choosing to overcome. Another character chooses to not let bullies or bruises stand in her way, she must overcome & so she doesn't tolerate the many excuses that face her.

I'm not gonna lie, after reading the book I wanted to go out and get a tattoo. Like now. Something that will be there for life to remind me of God's call, the one He put deep in my soul & tells me I am created for so much more than this. The one that will inspire me when I'm tempted by excuses. I already know what it will look like. It will be something like a stick figure dancing with bulls, because even though those big, ferocious animals scare the crummy out of me I'm gonna choose to dance with them instead of letting my fear get the better of me. Excuses aren't allowed, only dancing with bulls is welcome.

Please don't all jump from your chair and get the first tattoo you think of, I drew my bull and stick figure on my arm & immediately my friends told me "No", thank goodness for good friends. But really, look at the heart behind what I'm saying. Tattoos are awesome but right now I am being allegorical in my reference. 

God has already tattooed our hearts. 

We can try to silence the call God has placed in us & we can throw every excuse in the book at it, but it will still be there like a persistent badger. 

A forever mark of how we are meant to live. 

It's His call to adventure, whispering "I've got bigger plans for you." The moment we let this call to adventure free the more God can show us how limitless we are when He's leading our lives. With God, nothing is impossible. Especially when we choose to toss Excuses out the door. 

Excuses are no longer welcome.

New challenge. 

Kick Excuses out. Choose the limitless adventure of God's call. Let Him remind me of the dreams & stories he's got me to tell. Put pen to paper. Get my running shoes on & get out the door. 

What about you? 

Feeling provoked yet? Life is full of tomorrows that will never come.

It's time to run.

Exploring the Tangible Terrible & the Magical, Mystical Mystery

"If we discover a desire within us that nothing in this world can satisfy, also we should begin to wonder if perhaps we were created for another world."

-C.S. Lewis

~

The first time I found this quote by one of my favorite authors, I longed for some portal that would transport me to this other world I knew I was really created for. Could I be like Lucy Pevensie and step into some magical wardrobe where all the Daughters of Eve were revealed in their true form to be Princesses and Queens? Where could I find the ship that would carry me to the shores of Middle Earth or Faerie?

My desire for this other world was so strong I decided to start breaking it down, what is it about those places that seem more real than this place called Earth? Here's some of the things I learned...

The Tangible Terrible 

In our world, Earth, we, present-day people, have so carefully wrapped ourselves up in dreams and bubbles. What I mean is, we have shut the world out and live safely behind hidden screens of computers, TV and video games. None of these things are wrong in proportion, but when most of our lives consist of us hiding behind these things we forget how to interact with the world outside our door. We fear like Bilbo or Frodo Baggins that once we step onto the Road there's no knowing where we will be swept away. Strangely enough, this is exactly what excites us about Narnia, Middle Earth and Faerie. There's nothing to hide behind in those worlds. In those other worlds the protagonist is forced to deal with the terrible tangible world they find themselves. Their fingernails are caked with dirt, the laugh lines on their faces are smudged with grime that won't come away. To me this sounds beautiful and terrible. Terrible in the "totally awesome" sense. However, stick me in the middle of the forest and I'll start freaking out about all the little bugs that happen to cross my path. This is mostly because I like many others, spend a lot of my time, hiding behind the computer or TV, I want this to change, I want to embrace life around me, I want to get dirty.

Cultural Wells

Another vast difference I've seen about these other worlds is traditions and the deep wells of culture that permeate every part of life. Living in this modern time things like Common Sense are not common anymore. We live in an age where we can do what we want, when we want and we don't have to worry about how it will affect anyone else. We get tattoos for the sake of getting a tattoo, we pierce our ears because everyone else is getting their ears pierced. We have trends that last for a moment and then we are forced to keep up with the newest and latest thing.

Unfortunately, these things sometimes mean the depth of our culture is lost in all the newest trends and fashion. Why else does this current generation go looking for typewriters or old books, or suitcases from the 1920's? We are searching for the depth of our culture, because what we have today only lasts for a moment. We're the microwave generation and demand everything now. But, in these other worlds things take time- sometimes years.

People in these worlds still got tattoos, but they were given with a purpose, they were used to identify who they were or the calling they had on their lives. People in these worlds still got piercings too, but again it was done with a purpose instead of it just being because. Common Sense not only exists, but there's also the unspoken Rules of Conduct. There are things like the Welcome Cup which, whether you like the person or not, you will offer it to them, because of common courtesy. Men in these stories cared more about honor than their own lives. Have we fallen short of something key to our society in this?

Journey = Story, not Blip

When I look at people traveling in these other worlds it takes time, with our modern conveniences of cars and planes, our stories have started to lose some of their depth because we count those times in the car or on planes as the blip in the timeline, instead of counting them as big parts of the story. If we counted the journey of Frodo and Sam as the blip to when they get to Mount Doom so much of their story would be gone and Sam's love and sacrifice would lose almost all of it's poignancy and depth. So maybe our story is really in the journey and not the destination.

Magical, Mystical Mystery
I think one of the things I love more than anything is the Great Mystery that permeates these stories. Only in fantasy is it possible for many people to experience that magical mystery of a Creator, or Someone higher than them. It's through these stories that we see more of what Love looks like in the flesh. Aslan is a perfect example of this. I just watched the Chronicles of Narnia the other day, I could probably write a book on the things these stories show me, but what I want to focus on now is the Majesty of Aslan. His character screams of mystery and magic. With one breath he turns stone into living flesh, with one growl he can scare the most evil witch. Even the massive water god waits for a small nod of approval from him before the god can wreck havoc on the bridge that's stopped its flow. And the more you get to know him, the bigger he becomes because we can comprehend more about him. Perhaps there is something about the idea of Magic that helps us come a little closer to the One who created us all. It's almost like magic opens a hidden door for us to experience more of His character. My words fail me for the perfect description of the AWESOME RAW AMAZINGNESS of His Mystical Mysterious Self...

There's so much I could say about Fantasy awakening in us something unique, but I will leave you with this quote and let you mull if over for yourself. For if I gave you all the answers, then there would be no adventure and thrill of discovery for yourself. Not that I have it all figured out myself...

~

"...Stand by the ways and see and ask for the ancient paths, where the good way is, and walk in it..."

-Jeremiah 6:16

Embracing My Tookish Side

A couple of weekends ago the annual Abbey Medieval Festival took place & a van load of YWAMers took off to go spend a day in the past. Naturally, I was one of them. My excuse for such a day of fun was research for my books, The Oak Guardian series & The Great Awakening trilogy. I am happy to report it was a complete success. Not only did I learn & experience new things from every day life of the Medieval past, but I learned about the sub-culture of the festival re-enactors too & it woke something "Tookish" inside of me.

“Then something Tookish woke up inside him, & he wished to go & see the great mountains, & hear the pine-trees & the waterfalls, & explore the caves, & wear a sword instead of a walking-stick.” The Hobbit, JRR Tolkien

At one of the many canvas tents was a mud-oven where re-enactors were baking hardy, brown bread. They were passing it out to all of us when another re-enactor came bounding up to get a piece of the delicious bread too & after a cute little exchange he bounded away again with his fresh & tasty treasure. The girl slicing the bread looked at us with a sparkle in her eye, said "That's my dad." & went back to preparing pieces for us to try & it suddenly hit me- this big event wasn't just a once a year party for us medieval loving people, but for these re-enactors it was a way of life.

After this, I spent about an hour talking with two re-enactors, each dressed to the nines as medieval knights. One was wearing a chain-mail shirt he hand made. During our chat I mentioned the girl & her father & the two re-enactors' eyes lit up. They began telling me how there were 3rd generation re-enactors at the festival, the kids of re-enactors had raised their kids in this sub-culture & now those kids were part of the festival too. Imagination ignited, I tried to picture the life these people led, they were living in the past & present all at once, totally embracing the fullest they could get out of both. They all made their own clothes- even their shoes! They all slept in canvas tents during the festival, eating mutton cooked over open fires, singing old songs & drinking honeyed mead. The REAL festival happened when all us "tourists" left & they got a moment living in the past.

There was something about this that stirred my soul. I'm still searching for an actual name for it, I've been searching for years. The closest I've come to naming it is what writers John Eldridge & Brent Curtis call a "Haunting" in their book The Sacred Romance. Or what Erwin Raphael McManus calls the "Barbarian" in his book The Barbarian Way. These names are great, but for me they still lack something... maybe it's because IT is too big for one or two words. How can we encapsulate a feeling & way of life in one word? All I know is this It, this stirring is raw & gritty. It's sun burnt faces with dirt etched into every wrinkle & pore, it's deep laugh lines & fierce eyes, it's knowing who & Who's you are, it's living boldly & passionately even in the midst of the scariest, deadliest storm. It's the great, big & wild adventure God calls each of us to live.

So often we want our lives to be plastic clean, or just safe & cozy like a warm little hobbit hole I know about, but God's adventure is quite the opposite, I always think of impulsive Peter who was ready to follow Jesus everywhere- even death. Who couldn't believe he would ever deny or abandon his Lord, who took up a sword & cut a man's ear off, because he thought he was defending his friend. He was raw & passionate & many times Jesus had to bring him correction. No doubt most us would look at a man like that & scowl at his rough-around-the-edges attitude, but not Jesus. Instead, Jesus saw how passionately Peter wanted to be part of the Haunting, Barbarian way of life & it was Peter he chose as the foundation of his church.  

"And I tell you that you are Peter, & on this rock I will build my church, & the gates of Hades will not overcome it." Matthew 16:18

It's our choice whether we will choose to risk it all for the sake of the better & bigger story or stay safe in our cozy little hobbit holes. I for one will be following in Bilbo, Peter's & those medieval re-enactors steps, you'll probably see me running down that Road shouting "I'm going on an adventure."

Wanna join me?

Happily Ever After? Nope Not Yet

"I choose to trust in Him no matter what the circumstances. He stays the same today, yesterday and tomorrow and the truth is, that He loves us and has a plan for our lives- to prosper us, to give us hope and a future bigger than our present circumstances."

Almost exactly a year ago today the quote above was my Facebook status. At the time I was experiencing the death of a dream so closely held and my heart was bleeding.

I'm sure we've all been there. You have a dream or vision for something you want to do with your life and for those with a bit of boldness you go for those dreams no matter what, even when they're uncomfortable or seem to be going in the exact opposite direction as your end goal. I did this. I held tightly to one particular dream for seven years and year after year it fell to the ground and I mourned it all over again. This year is different. After seven years of pushing through doubt, pain, blood, sweat and many a tear my dream is finally coming to fruition.

My dream is being born.

It's a testimony of God's character, He is blissfully the same today as yesterday and will be tomorrow. His plan may not always be comfortable or easy to travel, but when we choose the bigger story He has for us, I promise you, it won't be a disappointment.

BUT, the story doesn't stop there. Even when your dream is born into a tangible world and takes its first tentative steps, wobbling on shaky legs and breathing in the crisp, thicker air it's still only the beginning of the journey. I'm reminded of The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis where the ghosts couldn't walk on the soft grass because it was like walking on glass and even the smallest of apples was too heavy to carry. Just like those shadowy ghosts in The Great Divorce, our dreams have to step onto that land of sharp green, where picking up an apple is the most difficult thing ever.

This is where I am. My dream is here and I have to walk these new steps with it, it's a place I've never been before, so I can't walk comfortably, instead I get just as scared as my dream does. I can almost see my dream and I walking down a mountain path, tentatively stepping over fallen branches and avoiding the prickly bushes on either side. It's funny, I always thought once it came I would be a different person- that I would be someone I could admire, someone strong and wise, someone qualified for the job, but I'm still me, I've just walked a little further down the Road Tolkien talked about and I have no knowing where my feet are taking me.

It's terrifying but also exhilarating.

I'm being stretched and prepared and it makes me realize that even when I think the "Happily Ever After" has come, I still have to remain vulnerable and teachable, because this dream I've been given to care for needs me to remain pliable. The Big Story has only started and I find myself at that Call to Adventure moment and I must choose the adventure or turn back. If I turn back now, my dream and I won't experience the Big Story, but only a shadow of what it could have been. How incredibly awesome and powerful is our choice!?

We all love the end of the story because we can sit back and relax knowing the characters we loved are living a life of contentment, but even for them, the adventure doesn't stop there, we just don't always get to see what happens next.

Now I must choose... Will I choose the call to adventure yet again, knowing full well my dream and I will be at the mercy of the Story, knowing what we experience will not be safe and may in fact be very difficult and painful?

It's terrifying, but I defy any one of you not to be stirred with excitement by that Call.

So, what is my answer? Let the drums roll, let the many peoples shout. My answer is a resounding yes. It will always be YES, because no matter the difficulty ahead, my God is a mighty warrior and His plans for me are for good and I love the adventure because it gives me an opportunity to put my faith in action. I will choose to trust Him no matter what the circumstances, knowing when I come out the other side, my dream and I will be better for it and the Bigger, more Glorious Story will be told.

What will you choose?